Reasons Why
by Suku17
Summary: Vincent explains why he hates life in general. Leave your sanity at the door, Vincent lovers! Ranting and teenage shenanigans ensue! You have been warned. So basically, another Suku original! This promises to be strange!


Greetings. My name is Vincent Valentine. You know, the creepy guy with black hair, crimson eyes, red cape and headband, three-barrel gun, and a disposition as pleasant as a major puncture wound? Yeah! That's me. I'm here to tell you why I hate life in general.

No I am not emo, no I am not goth, **AND NO I AM NOT A FUCKING VAMPIRE. I JUST WANNA MAKE THAT CLEAR!!! _NOT. A. VAMPIRE!!!_** Okay. Now that that's settled, I'll begin my rant on why the world is a terrible place.

I'll start on the topic of a recent holiday you may have celebrated. **Christmas.**

AVALANCHE has an annual Christmas party every year. And every year, my insane and most likely drunk advocates decide to play "Prank the Unsuspecting Vincent." Yes! That's **ACTUALLY** a sick game here. Well, last year's party was... there's no nice way to put this... a **LIVING BREATHING HELL**. Remember, if you're EVER Vincent, depressing, solitary, or even remotely secluded from society, _**NEVER GET NEAR THE AVALANCHE CHRISTMAS PARTY.**_

What happened... I don't want to remember. But I will. For you. Oh aren't you special? Only _special _people learn about the terrible goings-ons in the sad life if Vincent Valentine. Yeah, yeah. That was DRIPPING with sarcasm. Well, on with the rant.

First off, none of it was my fault. Just so you know that. It was Christmas, we were all in Sierra, Cid's ship, at the party. Tifa and Yuffie were talking about some, "Miracle make-up" Barret, Red XIII, and Cait Sith were playing Go Fish, and Cid was lecturing Cloud on how _you can't make champagne by mixing rubbing alcohol with 7up_. As you can see, things are very strange. Surprisingly, and painfully, this was one of the more... normal _starts_ to our parties. Anyway, soon it was time for the big "Vincent Prank-off." I decided it was safest NOT to stick around here too long. I walked out, considering I was getting so many evil grins, it was the best idea I've had for a long time. Turns out, they were WAITING for me to leave. (ERm... I probably should've figured that out...)

I walked out. I waited an hour, hoping they would get bored and play "Hang Cloud From The Ceiling Fan" again. I love that game... I've digressed... Well, I walk back in about an hour later. Sadly, they anticipated THAT too. I was greeted by opening the door and having a bucket of ice water dumped on my head. I STILL can't look at a glass of water without shaking in my boots. I took the bucket off my head, and walked into the center of the room. I knew I was doomed. Like a man on his way to the gallows, I knew what fate awaited me. Whoopie Cushions, gag peanut cans, handshake buzzers, you'd think these people would have **_HIGH-TECH _**gags AT LEAST!!! I found it was very safe to just sit cross-legged on the floor in the middle of the room.

It would've been safe, had Tifa not slipped Cloud a love potion. I know! THat's just going TOO far! Anyway, Cloud had this love potion slipped in his drink. And even MORE terrifying, this potion was triggered by the color red. I took drastic measures and stripped off my cape and headband. Cloud stopped coming at me and stood there, looking slightly drunk. I stood up with all intention to run, but sadly, he caught my eyes, which are red. There was no stopping him this time. Cloud came at me. I turned to try and run, but I tripped over my discarded cape and headband as they tangled around my feet. **DAMN THESE POINTY METAL SHOES!!!! **

As you may have guesses, I ended up with an intoxicated Cloud on top of me. I know. My life sucks. Anywho, Cloud proceeded to strip as I lay pinned to the ground.

Next thing I knew, I was choking on his tongue. Oh yes, I struggled. But alas, it was in vain. I was knocked unconscious and all I remember is a flash of blonde hair and ropes. Honestly, I'm glad no one decided to tell me exactly what happened.

**Listen, I've got to run. And I mean run. Like, really fast away from something. SOMEONE I should say. So I'll be back soon. I hope...**

_To be continued..._


End file.
